Being Pregnant, it's a gift!

It's been nearly a year since I even wrote a single entry in my blog. A year? Clearly making goals to write regularly is not something I should say out loud, because more often than not I don't follow through. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I did stick to some of my New Year's resolutions:

First, I did start to treat my body with more respect and have brought my boot camp workouts into my daily routine. I had a really good run where I managed to achieve my fitness goals, followed by a stressful Heart Walk that threw me off. But that was in part to my achievement of my second resolution achieved...

To start a family. Sometime around the final weeks leading into Heart Walk I managed to get pregnant! I didn't know it at first, but I after not feeling well for quite some time I confirmed it with a couple of pregnancy tests. I'm so excited that we are expecting a baby on May 30th!! Now this is something I can write about, because there is so much going on surrounding a new baby. Where do I even start?

I spent the better part of the first trimester feeling so nauseated and so tired. I literally would come home from work in the middle of the day to sneak in naps. I've never been able to lay down on the couch in the middle of the day and pass out, and yet that was exactly what I was doing. out cold in just a few minutes. I couldn't get enough of sleep. I would fall asleep while we were watching tv, probably between 7-8pm. I would fall asleep on the weekends, especially when Ryan was watching football. That was the best white noise a sleepy girl could ask for. I have never felt so tired in my life. Add to that feeling sick to my stomach jsut about every hour of the day, it was not the most fun. I think I am still finding crackers and snacks in my car and purse to this day.

But nothing could compare to the first time we got to see our little peanut on the ultrasound monitor. Ryan came with me and I was so nervous I could have puked. Watching two good friends go through devestating news of having a miscarriage, I was preparing myself for the worst. At 8 weeks 5 days we got to look at the monitor and see this little blob on the screen with a pulsing heart. It was so tiny, and we couldn't tell at first, but when my doctor said "there is the heart," my own heart melted. The reality that there was really a little person growing inside of me finally hit me. I was so relieved.

Just about 3 weeks later I got to go to the fetal diagnostic office and that was incredible. I had no idea what to expect, so I told Ryan he didn't need to go since the appointment would be so long. That was a huge regret, it was so much more than I thought and I was wishing the whole time he was there. They were able to take the ultrasound through my belly this time, and in no time i looked up and saw my little nugget dancing around on the screen. I couldn't believe how much the baby had grown, and all of the details that were already coming into place. It was moving around, putting its hands to its face and stretching. What an incredible miracle. It made all of the nausea completely worth it.

Today I had an appointment with my regular OB and although not the most exciting appointments, i did get to hear the heart beat again. Even though my belly is starting to push out, there are still those feelings that maybe the baby isn't in there anymore. So to hear the swoosh swoosh of the heart beat going strong, that just about made my want to cry. I'm dying for tomorrow's appointment. it feels like Christmas Eve! Tomorrow i go back to the fetal diagnostic doctor for another round of ultrasounds and this time Ryan can be there. They may even be able to tell me if it's a boy or girl!! I just can't wait to see Ryan's reaction when the ultrasound comes up, it's going to make us both cry i'm sure. I don't have any idea on what we are having, a part of me really wants a girl, but I know i'll be happy to just know and be able to plan either way. it's so exciting!

Now then I also have to add in the part of what happens to your body when pregnant. I'm trying to embrace the fact that gaining weight is totally the healthy thing and normal, but for a girl with severe self-image issues it's been difficult. I don't feel sexy, and I don't feel beautiful. I sort of just feel, well fat. my thighs and butt have expanded and my arms have lost their tone. i don't think 12 weeks of eating nothing but carbs and skipping workouts really helped my case. So i'm trying to just remember to make healthy decisions and embrace the changes. But it's not easy, not at all. If the bump on my belly were the only thing that was growing, then maybe i'd feel better. And if my boobs were actually growing, that might get me excited too. but no, those suckers are staying put. I think my boobs are too scared to step outside of their comfort zone...as in outside of an A cup.

Despite any body image issues I have, I never want to complain, because i know that it's such a gift to be blessed with this little peanut. I know it's something I should never take for granted and I can't wait to document the journey. let's see what this wild ride has in store!

A New Year

A new year always seems to get everyone thinking about what they want to do differently. This year will be the year that a resolution sticks. But we all know it's just another year, and to make resolutions is almost to set yourself up for disaster that you know is going to happen no matter how hard you try. What if people set resolutions to drink more wine? Eat more desserts? Have more road rage? Sounds absurd, and yet those would likely be easier to achieve then to quit drinking all together, give up on sweets, or drive with total patience.

So when I started to think about a new year approaching, I realized that not only will this be a new year but a new decade for me. The year of the 30. Yikes! And where am I in life? In the place I had hoped to be? Yes and no. I am married to a man I love deeply, who brings me so much joy every day that I feel as though i'm too lucky for words. I have a house, that I own,  that stays warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I have a job, beautiful friends, and quite frankly a great sense of happiness.

Sure, i have some pudge i'd like to see disappear around those well known pudge-attacting parts, we have a kitchen that can't seem to complete itself, and my husband is still out of work despite months of trying hard to find something.  So what to resolve for? Well, here are a few things that I think i'll work towards this year:

1) To treat my body with respect - what I feed it and how I treat it will either come back to help me or hinder me. So instead of all or nothing, I will work to treat myself with love, seeking a healthier me instead of a skinnier me.
2) To start a family - let's be honest, we want a family. And as much as I hate saying it outloud, i'm terrified. What if i fail at getting pregnant? what if i fail at being a mother? what if i can't handle the financial responsibility? But what greater gift then to join to people in love to create something so unique, so loveable. Maybe it's time to face some fears and just try.
3) To give more - money, time, love, respect... just to give in general. Life feels a lot like all it does it take and take again. It's easy to become selfish, to want to hold on and only hand out negatives. But the only way to overcome a life of taking is to give.

Woman on the Corner

There is a woman who lives on the corner at the end of my street with her husband. I see her nearly every day. She is older, probably in her sixties or seventies. Her age revealed by her gray hair and the wrinkling of her skin and hands. At least once a week I drive by their house and find her outfitted in her gardening wear, pushing a mower over their vast front lawn. They have the most beautiful lawn; always kept to the perfect height, neatly edged, and perfectly green.

She pushes that mower in the same diagonal direction, carefully being sure to overlap each stroke, and leave behind a clean cut piece of artwork. To the average person driving by, you might think she even lived alone. But on the occasional days you’ll find her out there pushing the lawn mower with her husband seated on a chair, pointing his cane at the grass. I don’t know what he’s saying; perhaps he’s telling her that she missed a spot, or maybe complaining that the grass is yellowing in the center. All I know is that she continues to mow her lawn, in a very methodical and determined fashion, with no help from her on looking husband.

I’m quite fascinated by this woman. Her inner strength is so apparent. I’m likely a third of her age and yet you would never find me mowing my lawn. I can barely keep a plant alive let alone maintain all of the weeds that grow between them.

One winter the weather turned cold and the frost rolled in. The local Floridian plants are not equipped to handle this icy cold weather, and sadly the grass turned yellow. Her once lush green lawn became almost appalling. I was terrified for what her husband might say, or if she could bring it back to life. She did, after all, have the most sought after lawn in the whole neighborhood.

As I came home from work one spring afternoon I saw her out there on her hands and knees, gently laying down new sod. Her husband was nowhere in sight, she was alone in her garden hat with her worn gloves, tirelessly working away. She brought that grass back to the life it knew, once again being the sought after lawn, the envy of all homeowners. And I continue to see her out there, even into the summer when the heat strikes ridiculous heights and the humidity makes it hard to move. She cares for that grass as if it was all she had left to care for in this world.

And so I began to wonder, is there a strength found in women that a man could never obtain? I found myself observing the people around me. On some early morning drives I would see a woman running while pushing her baby in a stroller, and across from her another woman gently pulling weeds from under a tree. There was something in all of them, a determination to get the task at hand completed and a drive to make sure that they took on the day with all that they had in them.

It’s not that men are not strong, or that they don’t have the ability to accomplish these same tasks. We all know that there are plenty of men out there who mow their lawns, pull the weeds, run with their children. But this is different. Look in the eyes of a female athlete and you will find a hunger and thirst that is far deeper than any male athlete out there. She is climbing a mountain far steeper than her male counterparts, and the only driving force she can lean on is her inner strength. She will not be celebrated in the same way that they are, she will not achieve the same victories as they will, but she will expend her every last breath to show that she is someone to be recognized.

I’ve had several friends have babies now, and each time I am amazed by the strength they have shown. Two of them had the most horrific experiences during labor, and yet both have told me that they would do it all over again to experience the joy of a child. We joke about men being able to someday be the ones to have babies, but something tells me there is a reason that they were never designed that way. Yes, they are strong and certainly willing and able. But it is more than a physical strength; it requires a mental strength that cannot be taught. Even for women who read all the books and take all the right classes, she cannot prepare for what she will go through. And yet she was made to handle an experience that will test her in every way.

This woman on the corner, who methodically cares for her lawn, I think she shares a story much bigger than the one I see. The wrinkles on her face and hands tell of the strength that she’s displayed throughout her life to overcome all that was put before her. The gray hair shows her determination to achieve the goals she set for herself and that of her family. And her routine, well that’s her way of telling the world that she is stronger than she’ll ever be given credit for.

My Constitutional Right

It never ceases to amaze me how much we work to glorify the people in our lives and the moment that they don't seem to be living up to our unrealistic expectations we instantly defame them. I'm tired of watching commercials about how horrible the president is, especially when I know that the creators of these "free speech" spectacles likely wouldn't have a clue what to do if they found themselves sitting in the presidential seat. I'm not political by any means, I certainly don't sit strongly on one side or the other of any political debate, but I do feel strongly that we won't get anywhere as a country if we continue to act this way. We strive to find a hero, someone that will swoop in and save the day. Drinking up all the talk about making the world better by doing this or doing that. Doesn't anyone realize that it is more complicated than one simple solution, and the "American People" are more diverse than ever?

It made me laugh today watching the news when a man was told by a judge that he needed to remove his blog site which he entitled "My Psycho Ex Wife," because the judge was concerned that it would negatively impact this man's children. Of course the man was upset that he no longer had a forum to voice his opinions and that those who were also leaving comments of slander about their ex-wives or ex-husbands had lost their voice among the forum. He felt it was his constitutional right, to speak freely. Seriously? I highly doubt that when the Constitution was put together and signed by the heads of the nation that they really thought someday a man like this would use the Constitution as his justification. They could have never foreseen the kind of Internet craze that laid in front of them, nor did they know that their attempt to create a voice for the people might actually be taken advantage of. Could this man seriously care more for this blog than the well-being of his children? It really does make me sick thinking about the selfish nature of the country we live in. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good out there, and very gracious and kind people. But I fear that things are only going to get worse. That the voice of real reason is going to be muffled by lies and slander.

Willpower

It's interesting to me when people say they don't have the willpower to control their eating habits and exercise habits. Where did that saying even come from? I guess I can relate because there are many days that I feel like I don't have the ability to show self-control and say no to those delicious desserts or those oh so salty chips that would just melt in my mouth. So when I decided to sign up for a 3 week boot camp with my cousin, I knew I might be up for a struggle. There was great excitement in receiving that first email with details on how my body would transform over the next three weeks. But as I perused the meal plans I realized that this fabulous trainer wanted me to go on a 3 day detox diet of nothing but fruits and vegetables. WHAT?? Was she crazy? I mean don't get me wrong, I love fruits and vegetables, but nothing else? Not even a little nibble of some heart-healthy almonds or maybe an egg white here and there? Perhaps maybe some hummus or light ranch dip? No, not a bit. But it didn't end there...I would also be working out like a maniac for three weeks, including during these days of detox. How can I do this?

Well somehow I have made it to day three. It certainly feels like day 27 with how badly I want to eat anything, even the healthy foods!

On day one Ryan made mashed potatoes with grilled pork chops for dinner. I think it was his way of showing his masculinity, really proving that he is a true meat and potatoes kind of guy. Or maybe a celebration that he did not have to consider me as part of the meal planning and could enjoy his favorite meals. I can't lie, I wanted to shove my face so badly right into the center of his plate. Smearing the potatoes all over and biting into that pork chop like I had just killed and prepared it myself. Something animal sort of overcame me, a desire to set my blended spinach smoothie aside and become a ravenous being.

Day two was no better. I survived the work day, having to say no to a free meal provided by Panera and convincing everyone I was with that I had a delicious meal waiting for me back at the office. I knew it was just another spinach and carrot smoothie, but how could I explain that to them? They bit into their delicious sandwiches and savored their over-sized cookies that were probably freshly prepared that morning. Oh I bet those chocolate chips just melted on their tongues. I hated them for eating in front of me.

That night was no better. It was Tuesday, my favorite day, because every Tuesday is Taco Tuesday in our household. The smell enveloped the house as Ryan prepared his dinner. I found myself shoving my nose in the pan while he was cooking, as if it was possible to eat with my nose. I don't even like ground turkey, and yet it appealed to my senses. The thought of melted cheese inside a warm tortilla topped with avocado...oh my mouth was watering. I couldn't even finish my smoothie of vegetables and fruit that night.

Now let me remind you that at this point in time I'm ridiculously sore. My body is aching in places that I never knew existed and I can feel my muscles rebelling against me. It's not enough to be held to fruits and vegetables alone, no I must also push my body physically through what feels like suffering, all for the sacrifice to finish these three weeks as a much stronger and leaner me.

Well day three is finally here. It's only 11am and I've already cracked. After 4 days coffee free (yes I actually gave up coffee two days before the detox required me to), I have found myself at whits end. Somehow, like an out of body experience, I not only made but also drank a cup of coffee! Don't be too shocked. When I say a cup of coffee, I mean something that pretty much tastes like dirt. Being made with stevia and almond milk this was likely one of the healthiest cups of coffee you can have. And yet despite the off putting taste, I savored each sip along with the sweet aroma. I don't know that I'll survive a full third day of detox, but at least I can proudly say that for two days straight I ate nothing but fruits and vegetables and drank only water. If that's not showing some strength and willpower, well then I don't know what is!

Introduction

The Donelson Daily is going to be put to rest, solely because the intention was originally to keep my friends and family updated on what is going on in our lives, but it has become more of a place for me to share my thoughts. Being as such, I am creating "This Woman's Work," inspired by the Kate Bush song from She's Having a Baby. This song has always given me goosebumps listening to it. And to watch the scene from the movie is so moving. It also more recently inspired me while I was thinking about what I wanted to write in my entry in Good Housekeeping's short story contest. The topic of the story is to reflect on an aspect of women's lives today. I pretty much imagine that the process of giving birth sums up all of the strength that a woman holds within, and Kate's song reminds me of that. So this blog is dedicated to all of those women out there who are showing strength in order to manage all that life throws their way. :)