First, I did start to treat my body with more respect and have brought my boot camp workouts into my daily routine. I had a really good run where I managed to achieve my fitness goals, followed by a stressful Heart Walk that threw me off. But that was in part to my achievement of my second resolution achieved...
To start a family. Sometime around the final weeks leading into Heart Walk I managed to get pregnant! I didn't know it at first, but I after not feeling well for quite some time I confirmed it with a couple of pregnancy tests. I'm so excited that we are expecting a baby on May 30th!! Now this is something I can write about, because there is so much going on surrounding a new baby. Where do I even start?
I spent the better part of the first trimester feeling so nauseated and so tired. I literally would come home from work in the middle of the day to sneak in naps. I've never been able to lay down on the couch in the middle of the day and pass out, and yet that was exactly what I was doing. out cold in just a few minutes. I couldn't get enough of sleep. I would fall asleep while we were watching tv, probably between 7-8pm. I would fall asleep on the weekends, especially when Ryan was watching football. That was the best white noise a sleepy girl could ask for. I have never felt so tired in my life. Add to that feeling sick to my stomach jsut about every hour of the day, it was not the most fun. I think I am still finding crackers and snacks in my car and purse to this day.
But nothing could compare to the first time we got to see our little peanut on the ultrasound monitor. Ryan came with me and I was so nervous I could have puked. Watching two good friends go through devestating news of having a miscarriage, I was preparing myself for the worst. At 8 weeks 5 days we got to look at the monitor and see this little blob on the screen with a pulsing heart. It was so tiny, and we couldn't tell at first, but when my doctor said "there is the heart," my own heart melted. The reality that there was really a little person growing inside of me finally hit me. I was so relieved.
Just about 3 weeks later I got to go to the fetal diagnostic office and that was incredible. I had no idea what to expect, so I told Ryan he didn't need to go since the appointment would be so long. That was a huge regret, it was so much more than I thought and I was wishing the whole time he was there. They were able to take the ultrasound through my belly this time, and in no time i looked up and saw my little nugget dancing around on the screen. I couldn't believe how much the baby had grown, and all of the details that were already coming into place. It was moving around, putting its hands to its face and stretching. What an incredible miracle. It made all of the nausea completely worth it.
Today I had an appointment with my regular OB and although not the most exciting appointments, i did get to hear the heart beat again. Even though my belly is starting to push out, there are still those feelings that maybe the baby isn't in there anymore. So to hear the swoosh swoosh of the heart beat going strong, that just about made my want to cry. I'm dying for tomorrow's appointment. it feels like Christmas Eve! Tomorrow i go back to the fetal diagnostic doctor for another round of ultrasounds and this time Ryan can be there. They may even be able to tell me if it's a boy or girl!! I just can't wait to see Ryan's reaction when the ultrasound comes up, it's going to make us both cry i'm sure. I don't have any idea on what we are having, a part of me really wants a girl, but I know i'll be happy to just know and be able to plan either way. it's so exciting!
Now then I also have to add in the part of what happens to your body when pregnant. I'm trying to embrace the fact that gaining weight is totally the healthy thing and normal, but for a girl with severe self-image issues it's been difficult. I don't feel sexy, and I don't feel beautiful. I sort of just feel, well fat. my thighs and butt have expanded and my arms have lost their tone. i don't think 12 weeks of eating nothing but carbs and skipping workouts really helped my case. So i'm trying to just remember to make healthy decisions and embrace the changes. But it's not easy, not at all. If the bump on my belly were the only thing that was growing, then maybe i'd feel better. And if my boobs were actually growing, that might get me excited too. but no, those suckers are staying put. I think my boobs are too scared to step outside of their comfort zone...as in outside of an A cup.
Despite any body image issues I have, I never want to complain, because i know that it's such a gift to be blessed with this little peanut. I know it's something I should never take for granted and I can't wait to document the journey. let's see what this wild ride has in store!
